Death Part 2

So, my last post was about my view on Death..... Just hours before the horrific massacre in Connecticut. Bad planning on my part? Probably.

The nation is in mourning with hundreds of direct family members of the victims. Every time I see a flag at half mast my heart aches a little bit more. Each time I hear of a family laying these innocent people to rest, my heart aches even more.

It saddens my heart and sickens me that one person could be so evil and sick to take so many innocent lives.  I would almost say the tragedy is worse then 9/11.  Because America lost something precious that day in Connecticut. Children lost their innocence. No child should ever have to live through that. And now the survivors will remember that day for the rest of time and be haunted by it.  Also, America lost its future. One cliche is that our children are our future.  That day, we lost many great people who would make up the future.

I think of the parents of the children whose lives were lost.  Even though I am not a parent, but I long to  hold my own child in my arms, just like I am sure the parents of the slain children do. I feel like I can relate to them because we both can not fill an empty void in our hearts and in our arms. 

But then I think of how incredibly strong the parents and siblings must be. They lost someone innocent, and precious. I believe they are strong because  I would make the argument that they had to dig deep into their hearts and souls to find, and offer forgiveness for the mast murderer. I think without offering him, a complete psychopath, forgiveness, they would not be able to live in peace. Not offering someone forgiveness is just poisoning yourself, and you can not live in peace, happiness, and harmony without the constant use of forgiveness.

It is no secret that my favorite thing that I know is that Families Really Are Forever. The parents and siblings that are left behind will be able to embrace their lost loved ones again. I have wanted a Christmas Miracle, that Christ would allow the victims to raise from the dead, just like he raised the dead during his ministry. But that's not realistic, and pain is a part of our experience on earth.
I believe, and know, that every experience that we go through in this lifetime shapes us into a stronger person.

Death

So, one thing that been on my mind lately is death.

Today marks the 17th anniversary of the day that my sweet mother died.

Its also the first holiday season that the Kellogg Klan finds themselves without Grandpa. Because of this fact, it has been proven to be a very emotinally difficult holiday season, for me at least.

I have gotten a lot of questions regarding how I feel about death. I used to think it was incredibly sad. Now, my prespective has changed.

I don't think death is a sad event. I am glad the many loved ones I have lost are together, and they no longer suffer in pain, whether it be emotional, temporal, or pyshical pain.  They are simply now free.  Those that have passed, have fulfilled their purpose. They fulfilled their mission of what they were sent down to earth to do, and they were called home.

I think everyone needs something to look forward too.... and I simply look forward to the day where I will be reunited with all those who have gone before me.  I love the fact that families can be together forever. It brings me so much warmth, comfort, and happiness.

Miracle of Forgiveness

It is no secret that it's November, the month of Thanksgiving. It's also no secret that many of my facebook friends post daily what they are thankful for... I don't think I have ever done this, and this year is no exception. However, this year is just a little bit different.  It has been a magnificent year, with miracles in abundance in our home. Ya'll know of the several miracles that I have been able to watch, and be part of this year. However, there is one miracle that has been at the forefront of my mind constantly. It is the miracle of forgiveness... not the book, but the actual act of forgiving someone, something, or ourselves.  As the year is quickly drawing to a close, I must admit that I am beyond grateful for the gift that was endowed upon us called forgiveness.  However, it's up to us if we use it or not.

This concept I have struggled with for a long time. I have been beyond mad at a variety of people. I have been mad at Heavenly Father for calling my mom home. I have been beyond mad at Him for not allowing us to conceive a child.  At one point, I even walked away from the LDS church. I just got so tired of all the questions about why we didn't have kids,  or where were our kids, crap like that. I also got blatantly tired of being told by an entity that I need to be someone who I can not be (a mom).  I really have no idea how or why I found my way back. But I did.  Probably because we moved to Las Vegas to a ward that is not nearly so judgmental.

There is one person in particular that did me so beyond wrong that I didn't think he ever deserved forgiveness from anyone, especially me.  I will spare you the details, but my analogy is that I had to walk through, and out of burning buildings because of this man. He made my entire world catch fire, and everything was destroyed, everything I once knew was gone in a simple blink of an eye because of just one person. And yes, I am related to this person.  I think it's much  harder to forgive family members, after all they are the ones who are supposed to love us unconditionally, however,  family members are most often the ones that hurt us the most. However,  it's imperative to forgive our family members because families really are an eternal unit.

For many years everyone, who had any idea about the situation, told me I needed to forgive him.  I would tell them that I simply couldn't (to this day, no one knows the whole story).

Then one day, I don't know why, but the last time I saw this person I had the simple thought of  "finally, I have forgiven him, of everything. If he were to die tomorrow, everything would be fine and I would have no regrets. " I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. I felt free. I remember the feeling from that day quite well. I felt like I was finally able to break out of a straight jacket. I was able to walk a little taller with more confidence and I felt much healthier. Yes, I have gotten many comments from my friends here in Las Vegas telling me they have seen a difference in my demeanor, they say I look happier, healthier, and more confident.  I can't deny their suspicions, I feel better than I ever have. I don't know why I chose to forgive him now, on that day, after all of these years but I did.

Part of my job is to help children forgive their parents of the wrong doings that their parents have done to them. One of the activities that we do with them for therapy is we have them write down what they are mad at their parents, or siblings, or whoever for doing unspeakable things to them, and what they are mad at themselves for (because let's face it, there are always two sides to a war) and we put the slips of papers in things such as balloons, and we have the kids throw the balloons at plywood stands or trees, signifying to them that they are letting go of the past hurts, embracing the moment, and looking forward to a future, most often the future includes the child(ren) returning to their nuclear homes. But this wonderful event can't happen if people are still clutching on to their past hurts. I get to explain to them that it's a wonderful thing to do for themselves to forgive others.  However, I think that when you are LDS (and I believe that every one of my readers are LDS) the idea of forgiveness has another layer to it.

At baptism we make a covenant to essentially, live our lives like Chirst lived his.  I have heard hundreds of people, including children, say that can't forgive so and so for this and that.  One of my a-ha moments from this week came from the thought.... if we don't forgive others, then are we really living Christlike lives? If we are not, then are we not breaking a promise that we made with Heavenly Father? Just food for thought, or for your soul. Whichever you would like to think of it as.

I have included a link to a song that I think fits this concept perfectly. Please take a few minutes to listen and to think about this song, and what it offers each of us.

Once I forgave the person that I needed to forgive, I have been able to watch so many miracles occur. I think it's by me forgiving the person, and breaking out of the straightjacket that I was able to more fully live my life. I have never been happier.  There is no doubt in my mind that I needed to forgive the person for myself, not to necessarily benefit him, in order for miracles to occur.

So, I rhetorically ask my readers.... by you not forgiving others, what miracle are you preventing from happening in your life? Also, if we are still hanging on to the past hurts, will we really be able to live happily in the eternities?   For those that say that its something that I think I will do tomorrow, honestly, tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow very quickly becomes today. And life is way too short to live bogged down with grudges.

I Will Not Be Still

For quite some time I have had the song "I will  Not Be Still" from EFY stuck in my head. It was stuck in my head especially while I was working at the shelter/group home.  I have included a link for you so that you may listen to this song as well.

While working at this home I had  many opportunities to share what I believe in.  I got the most random questions ever. I will list some of them, along with my answers. However,  I did not get the questions because I wear a neon sign that reads "Hey. I'm a Mormon" but I got the questions because of how I live my life.

Question One:  If your Mormon do you always have to wear white? This was my good Friend Mitchell asking this, cause I always wear a white t-shirt and jeans to work. He asked this cause he consistently sees the missionaries also wearing white shirts.

My answer: I wear white cause its my style. I don't want to wear my good clothes when I am working with small, very messy kids. The Missionaries where white shirts because that is their uniform, just like many people have uniforms at their places of employment.

Question Two: Why do Mormon's Dress in all white at the Temple? This question came from my friend Ashley, who was baptized as a Mormon at age 8, but has never returned.  However, she has recently attended several funerals of people that were LDS,  in which the deceased were dressed in temple clothing, as it is standard in the LDS church to do so.

My answer:  White means purity, it symbolizes that we live our lives clean and pure. I told her it was similar to wearing white on your wedding day. It also means that we are all on the same playing field. That we are dressed the same because we are all sons and daughters of Heavenly Father and that he loves each and everyone of us the same. We are all equal in His eyes. 

Question Three: Which nearly all of my coworkers asked. "Hey, T, why don't you smoke?"

My answer: "Personally I don't like lighting my money on fire." Now, this answer did receive some very bazaar looks, and it warranted me to explain in further.  I always had the following conversation with each person that asked why I don't smoke:  "You get your paycheck. Say its five dollars. You go to the casino (that's where they all cash their checks) so now you have five dollars in monetary form. Now, you go to the smoke shop, and trade that five dollars for a pack of cigarettes, now you light them, one by one. Therefore, you are lighting your money on fire." Most of them laughed at me, but some said that made sense, and have since attempted to stop smoking, or have cut down alot of their habit.

 Question Four: "Hey, T. Why don't you drink?"

My answer: "Personally, I like my liver, and I kind of want to keep it around." . I then explained to him that I don't like rotten fruit, and that's all wine is, is fermented fruit.

Question Five: "Hey,T, why don't you drink coffee, or energy drinks?" I became known as the one who didn't drink coffee, nor did I have the slightest idea how to prepare it.

My answer: Because caffeine is linked to causing heart attacks, and I kind of wanna stick around for a while. Once again they gave me a look of  "what are you talking about?" One search on my favorite site, google, then hand them my phone to read the articles about caffeine and the health problems associated with it, and it normally squashes all of their arguments.

Its been very entertaining them asking having them ask questions, and then explaining my answers, without telling them "cause my religion says so" because then it makes it sound like I don't live my own life, but that I just follow rules set forth by an entity. I choose to live this way because I want to be healthy and happy.

I have watched the lives of many people change, and have started living their lives to a higher standard. I have watched their health improve as they cut back on drinking and smoking. I have had one friend state that he wants to be baptized Mormon. I have had another friend say that she wants to go back to the Mormon church, and does have an open-door invite to come with us, as we are in a variety-ward. Watching people change for the better, is probably one of the greatest's joys. I think just by the way we live our lives, opens up so many doors of opportunity of to talk to our friends and neighbors about the church.

Embracing Who I am

So, back the day, when people asked me what religion I identify with, I would say "I'm sort of Mormon, but don't really practice. 

But when I got to Vegas, I found myself on a journey called "Finding the Faith Once Again."

 I began attending church regularly, I think about how non-judgemental our ward is and I think it  has definitely helped with me feeling comfortable at church again.

I obtained a current temple recommend. I keep it in my wallet.  Constantly seeing it, helps me remember who I am, and the standards that piece of paper in its cover,  and reminds me of the standards I am to uphold. And the covenants that I am to keep with my Father in Heaven.

I obtained a job, but before I was even offered the job, I let them know that I do not work on Sundays for religious observations. They have never had a problem granting me this desire, and they respect it.

 Now, when people ask the question, "what religion do you practice?
 I simply state: "I am a Mormon." I actually told my boss at work for the first time that I am  Mormon yesterday. She had no idea. The only reason I told her that I was Mormon cause there is an investigation going on at work about.... drama....to keep it short. Her response was: I don't know much about all the religious holidays, but if there are any Mormon holidays, just let me know, and you can have them off. Say what?! OKAY! The only Mormon holiday I can possible think of is Pioneer Day.

I don't wear a sign that screams hey I am a Mormon, but when I am asked about it, I will tell them.

Me telling people what religion I practice has led to some very interesting conversations.  When I first met a person named Mitchell, he asked me how many husbands and wives were going to be involved in my family.  I explained to him, that you can not be a Mormon and be a polygamous at the same time.  I also explained to him that there are different branches of the Mormon church, but they are in deed not part of the true LDS church.  I recently had this exact same conversation with another worker.

I have had a person ask me "why is there a golden dude on top of the church building?"  I explained to him that its angel Moroni.

I have had people ask: Why do Mormon's believe that black people are the devil?" I honestly couldn't answer this question.  You can't answer such poorly stated, question... Or should I say attack?  I'm pretty sure if I thought black people were the devil, I wouldn't be working with Black people.
I have had people ask me "Does the Book of Mormon start out the same way the bible does in the garden of Eden?" My response was, no, it starts out with Nephi and Lehi. His repsonse: "The WHAT?!"

I have had to explain to people why I dress the way I do. My typical dress at work is jean shorts, and a white t-shirt. I have told him that my shoulders have to be covered, and my shorts have to go to at least my knees.  He tried to convince me that if I found that perfect dress that didn't have sleeves, I would wear it. And I told him that no I wouldn't.  I haven't said anything about the true reason why I can't wear immodest clothes.  And I'm not sure how to, or if I should.
I have told people that because of my religion, I have never had a cigarette, or an alcoholic drink, drink coffee nor do I watch rated R  movies.

 One day this past week, there was a bunch of cupcakes that showed up to work. 
I asked my coworker if the chocolate ones were any good. This is how the conversation went:
 Him:  the cake was good, but the frosting is really weird.
Me: really, why is that?
 He said: Its Mocha flavored, I think. Yeah, it is.  Stop T do not have any!  
Me: Really? That is weird. So... why are we feeding them to a bunch of kids? Thank you for letting me know.
He re tasted the cupcakes and determined that it was butterscotch frosting, and that I could indeed eat them.

That's right, my friends at work, not only know my standards, but they respect them, and help me live them. That is what true friends are made out of.


So, basically over the last few months I have embraced the fact that I am Mormon, being mormon is what has made me who I am. And I am proud of it.

The Spirit

So, over the course of my employment at my current job, I have realized to be very grateful for one very special thing that I so often take for granted.

That is, that I always have the spirit to be with me.

Over the last few months, I keep hearing random words in my head.  They remind me that every knee shall bend and that we need to pray to our Father in Heaven. So I have been doing this alot lately.

Everyday, as I get ready to go to work I pray and ask that all the kids will behave, and that I will have the spirit to be with me.

I can't say the details of the events to grant the kids privacy, but there has been some life and death situations. I was able to remember my cpr/first aid training, and was able to stay calm in the most dyer of circumstances.  And was able to be the leader for the rest of the group as to what they all needed to do.

After the incident, my coworker asked why I was able to stay so calm when he was freaking out to the max. I brushed it off and said these things happen in this industry. I have been in the industry for a very long time, but I had never encountered the situations I have the last couple of weeks.

But over the last few days, I have no doubt in my mind that the spirit is what kept me so calm, and was able to provide as much help as I did.  And that is what I am grateful for these past few weeks.

Eternal Families

Well, my grandfather passed away on February 4, 2012. It was the last grandparent I had on this earth.

Yes, it was a very sad time.

But what a joyous reunion it was. His wife passed away in 1996. I can't imagine living without my husband for so long.

This has been a long time coming. On Friday, February 3, 2012 I asked my mom to make sure Grandma, Mom, Aunt Cathy, and my two cousins that have passed, are there at the gates of heaven ready to welcome him home, so that he wouldn't be scared. 

I had also told Dean that I had figured out why he hadn't passed away yet.  Those that have already passed were very busy getting things ready for him to come home. Grandma was busy baking cookies and cakes, mom was busy decorating his mansion, and my aunt and cousins were busy getting his hobbies (tractors) ready. Yes, this is somewhat joking. But I bet they were preparing for his arrival.

If I had one favorite thing about the LDS church, it would be that families are forever. I learned at a very early age to grasp on to this concept. What comfort this gives us. What an amazing concept to have.

The saddest part for me that weekend, were updates from a relative of mine, about how sad they felt, and even asked if there was a god. And if there was a God, to help them through the pain they were feeling. Those posts are what made  me cry. I didn't feel sad for the loss of grandpa, I felt sad for the fact that they don't have the knowledge of the plan of salvation. That they are missing out on so much.

The Sunday immediately after his passing, at church I stared at the picture of the temple that is on the wall for quite some time. I noticed all the steeples, and that they were all in somewhat of  a circle. I found the steeples symbolic of my family that has already passed, they are in an eternal, never ending circle.

Temples are where families are sealed for eternity.

This past week,  my boss found out that I was Mormon. And therefore asked a million and one questions. I was able to explain to him that the temples are all about families. I don't think I have ever realized that before.

I just love the fact Families are Forever. What an awesome concept that is.

Praying

You know, I have been pondering something lately. I have no idea what the answer is but here is my question:

Do you think those that are in Heaven, pray?

For instance, my mom died of diabetes. The same disease that Dean was just diagnosd with. I wondering if she has joined us in prayer for Dean, for example.

But, when you pray, it is common knowledge that you are praying to something you haven't scene.  This is where faith comes in. Faith is believing, in this case a god, that you can not see.

However, those that have passed away, it is a common belief that they have met God and or Jesus.

Therefore, do they continue to pray?

Or do they have face to face conversations with God/ Jesus?

Just completely random questions is all. Feel free to offer input.

Calling, talking, etc.

Okay. So before I had read the comments and emails lecturing me about visiting teaching, I had decided to call my companion and chat with her about visiting teaching.

I told her that I have never done it before and she said: "no problem, I'll pick you up and I'll tell you all about it, it's super easy." One of our ladies I have met a couple of times. She is the African-American, diabetic, with blue hair. My companion also said that this lady, I have no idea what her name is, is super excited for us to come.

I met with  my companion, which name I also do not know, yesterday. And she said we will go see the above mentioned girl, and that we will just show up at the other girls' homes we have assigned to us. No, I most definitely do not like the idea of that at all. Oh well.

Now, my husband is in trouble, and our Bishop's out of his mind.

My husband is in trouble for agreeing to meet with the Bishop, without asking me first.

Yesterday, the Bishop asked me to accept a calling... The calling is Enrichment Meeting Committee Member. Now, a member on the relief society asked me to be part of this committee like six months ago. I haven't been involved at all. They have never informed of when the meetings are, etc.

Before the Bishop kidnapped us, I had decided that I didn't want to be on this committee. I don't have any place to be part of it. Now, my reasoning is this: enrichment has always been, and will always be how to raise a family. And we don't, and can't have any kids. So it makes me feel ten times worse than I already do about myself, and not having kids already. It reminds me of how much different I am because I don't fit the normal LDS mold.  It's a constant reminder of depression.

When he asked if I would accept a calling, I told him: Maybe, it depends on what it is.  He laughed. When he told me what the calling would be. I paused, and informed him that they asked me to that six months ago.  He then asked again if I would take it, I again said maybe. He asked me "well, when will you know?" Followed by: " Do you have any concerns?" Dean interrupted and smartly said "I know what her concerns are!" The Bishop kind of looked shocked. And said: "you do? Let her tell them to me." Insert awkward silence here, along with a few giggles out of me. I then told him that it's not a good fit for someone that is in an infertile relationship. He looked stunned, and asked me to explain. So I explained to him that enrichment (he is still calling it homemaking) has always been, and will always be only about how to raise kids. He said, oh no it's not. I told him that yes it is, it always has been and will always be that way.

He then explained, in very short detail about him and his wife's struggle with infertility. They were able to get pregnant,  but were not able to sustain a pregnancy. And yes, folks, that is also a part of infertility.

He also tried to argue with me that that's not what enrichment is all about. But, it is. I won the argument. One of my key examples to give him was that just yesterday, the women were asked to bring some lady in the ward a baby picture of ourselves, and our families now. They reiterated "of your children" several times. If that's not about having kids, I don't know what is. If I do go to this activity, I am going to take a baby picture of me, and a blank, black picture for the kids that I do have now. I think it's genius.

Well, anyway, after arguing with the bishop for several minutes, I then said "sure, why not?" I got the stunned look again. It's fun to get the stunned look from my Bishop. He then said "that's great! We'll set you apart next week.

Okay, so this entire time one of the counselors is standing in the room, which I was finding very odd. I tried my best to ignore him, but you really can't ignore the elephant in the room. (No, I am not calling him an elephant.)

Once we had settled the calling argument, the counselor that was in the room asked us to speak in Church next Sunday. I told him he was nuts. My first thought was, "too bad you didn't ask last year when I had the resolution I had to find the faith once again!" I would of done it then.  Dean said that he would only speak if I would. I said I would only speak if Dean would. I asked him what the topic was. He said that it was the topic of our choice, as long as it was based off of last October's general conference.

I told him no. So we are not speaking in church on Sunday. However, I came home feeling incredibly guilty. So, what do I do? I look on lds.org to look up the Bishops office phone number. I called it with the intention of saying that we changed our minds and that we will talk in Sunday. However I got no answered, so we are not speaking in Church on Sunday. YAY!

So in short, Dean now as a calling, his is young men's instructor.
I have a calling. It's Enrichment Committee Member.
I am going to give visiting teaching a shot.
And we are not speaking in church on Sunday.

Visiting Teaching

Okay. So I have been in Vegas for just about a year now.  And to my relief, no one has assigned me to the role of visiting teacher, and I have been incredibly happy with this...Until last week that is. I got a call, well more like Dean got a call on his phone for me. For some reason the church cant grasp the concept that spouses don't share phone numbers, that each person has there one phone these days, which is incredibly frustrating. I have filled out a change of phone number form five times since we have been here. I only want the church to have our home phone number, and my ward hasn't changed my number on the official paperwork.  It was some random lady asking me to call her back, so we schedule our visiting teaching appointments. Now I have never done the whole visiting teaching thing, ever. I can't say that I completely agree with the idea. I have always had the opinion of it that it is assigned friendships. As I have gotten older, I guess I can see why it was invented, to help others, but I am of the strong opinion that its assigned friendships. If someone really needs help, they are a lot more likely to go to there neighbors and friends they have known for a long time, or family. They are not going to go to some stranger for help.

Now, here in Vegas, I still don't have any friends. Should I do this visiting teaching stuff as a way to make friends here? Or should I continue ignoring the phone calls?  One big turn off for me with this visiting teaching stuff, is that I have extreme anxiety, so much so that I have actually been in the hospital for it before. (the systems of anxiety attack or much like that of a heart attack) I don't like strangers, and yes, it goes much deeper then the cliche "stranger, danger." This topic will be discussed in one of my other blogs.

I would be much happier not being a visiting teacher. Who really wants complete strangers to welcome themselves to there home? Especially in our neighborhood of the ghetto? What if they are the people that want absolutely nothing to do with the church, and yes this does include visiting, and home teachers? And yes, I have been that person that has gone to the bishop to tell him to remove me from the list of people that need to be visit taught. And yes, I have slammed the door on the faces of my home teachers in the passed. I happen to be married to one of them now.  If people continually go to homes, or send things in the mail, and the people do not want anything to do with the church, it can lead to an harassment lawsuit.

Should I avoid the situation of visiting teaching, or should I just roll with the punches?